Monday, July 12, 2010

2010: a shed odyssey

One of the main selling points of our new house, to me at least, was the shed out in the back garden. And not any normal jerry-built flat-packed wooden shed, either, this is a proper concrete outhouse with a proper roof and everything, and a pretty decent size, too. Not only that, but it's got mains electricity and it's wired into the alarm system as well.

Which is not to say it's perfect - my predecessor was evidently a bit of a handyman, and consequently there's a lot of workbench area, probably more then I need. So the plan is to get rid of most of it, leaving a small area up one end for occasional DIY purposes, and the rest for accommodating the gym equipment, the punchbag and assorted junk and bicycles.

Before I can impose my own will on the place, though, there's a bit of clearing up to be done after my predecessor. Here's a few things I found during my preliminary sweep of the place:

A mysterious electrical gizmo that I can only assume from a cursory inspection (and also reading the writing on it) is a power pack for a Hornby Scalextric.

A jar of Asda peanuts. Mmmmmm, peanuts.

Oh, no, wait, it's the rendered remains of a Roswell-style space alien.

Well, to be fair, perhaps it's Swarfega or something similar.

A pair of sunglasses.

A whole range of products from the same manufacturer (this one) which appear to form some sort of furniture care regime. There are some cryptic instructions as to their preferred mode of use, but quite frankly the chances of me ever using them are pretty minimal. So instead let's glean some cheap amusement from the names of the products:

"Antisilicone" is presumably some sort of formulation designed to repel the advances of women with massive breasts; as for "Deforming agent", "Hardener" and "Retarder" I suggest you make up your own jokes. For the record I think "Deforming agent" is probably a mistyping or mistranslation of "Defoaming agent".

A calling card from a Soka Gakkai Buddhist organisation. I must say I hadn't marked my predecessor down as a potential mantra-chanter, but you never can tell. Celebrity adherents of this particular brand of woolly-minded claptrap include footballer Roberto Baggio, actor Orlando Bloom, jazz saxophonist and former member of Weather Report Wayne Shorter and comic actor and star of Big Train, Lee & Herring, Black Books, Nighty Night and Look Around You Kevin Eldon.

All good advice. If something keeps getting in the way of my dismantling the workbenches in the next week or two I'll be sure and check it's not my emergent Buddha-nature.


Jann said...

Deforming agent sounds like it could be right (as opposed to a misspelling - the terms probably being interchangeable) - a cursory search turning up little more than patent applications as I'm sure you've already discovered.

However, I like the idea of your predecessor performing neuro-surgery in his shed (although the physicality of the bottle debunks the virtual nature - still, I could n't let the last 5 minutes of my life go to waste) :

electrichalibut said...

Actually the only reason I suspected it might really be "defoaming agent" was for the more mundane reason that it's written as "defoaming agent" on the delivery note that was in with the bottles.

Needless to say it could be that this one is the misprint, but after a moment's reflection "defoaming" seemed more plausible. I am not a furniture-care expert, though.

I must say I hadn't considered the virtual shed-based neurosurgery angle - he didn't look like the type, but then he didn't look like a Buddhist either....

The Black Rabbit said...

You never had one of those scalextric jobbies? Guess you were too busy living it up overseas..
Your photo of the power pack is the first time I've seen what I owned (identical) in about 30 years!