many of whore

I have, as usual, little to say about queasily exploitative pub karaoke shitefest X Factor, so I simply offer you my wry amusement at the finely calibrated decision-making process that was clearly brought into play when deciding on winner Matt Cardle's debut single.

Let's go with something a little bit more edgy than the usual overwrought power balladry gloop, they will have said, after all Matt is an edgy guy, I mean as edgy as you can be, anyway, when you've instantly torpedoed any faint hope of artistic credibility you may ever have had and revealed yourself as a shameless fame whore and willing bent-over unlubricated corporate glove puppet by being on X Factor in the first place. All that stuff aside, though, he's got stubble, and he wears a cap. So, like I say, pretty edgy.

So let's go for a smoothed-out and airbrushed and generally emasculated version of Biffy Clyro's crunchingly anthemic Many Of Horror. That'll strike the right sort of balance, as long as we cut down on the guitars, the beards, the tattoos and the general abrasive Scottishness, and get everyone to keep their shirts on. Wait a minute, though: that title is a bit, well, you know, harsh, isn't it? Can we do something with that? Well, there must be other lyrics in the song, surely? Just grab the first line of the chorus, that'll do. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Cardle and When We Collide.

The thing about the original title, though, which does appear in the lyrics in a sort of middle eight about two-thirds of the way through, is that as written the word "horror" is required to occupy only one syllable, something that only really works if you've got a really thick Scots accent. Here's Simon Neil's rendition - maybe one-and-a-half syllables, I suppose. If you're English, as Matt Cardle is, you've either got to cram two syllables into one, or (and this is the option they took) just sing "many of whore" and hope that shouting really loudly over a big orchestral backing will get you through it. Check it out.

Note that they couldn't resist shoehorning in a huge truck-driver's gear change before the last chorus as well. Nice.