insert male member A into foam ring B

You will of course remember the TravelJohn disposable piss pouch from a few months back. Maybe you've got one attached right now. And because you're a smart cookie, and you've got your eye firmly on the ball, you'll have been thinking, well, OK, but what if you're driving? Do you get the wife to attend to the deployment of the various attachments while you keep your eyes on the road? And what if you're on your own?

To which one answer is, of course, pull over, get out and have a slash in the hedge. Although the same argument could be applied to needing a wee while being a passenger, which does sort of throw the necessity of the whole piss-bag concept into question. However, one scenario where you certainly can't just park up for a minute as the mood takes you is when you're piloting a modern military jet aircraft. No, you're going to need something a bit more sophisticated. And here it is. Yes, the Advanced Mission Extender Device allows you to fly the most demanding of missions with no danger of, erm, emissions.

Frankly the whole electric pump attachment is a little alarming. And the consequences of having to eject while, if you will, ejecting don't bear thinking about.

What you do if you need a poo isn't adequately explained - and if a Russian MiG-29 suddenly appeared on my tail I'm pretty sure I would need one. Cavers and potholers have the same problem; they solve it by creating what they call a "cave burrito", as described here:

A bowel movement is a little more complicated underground and requires some specialized gear that is fondly known as a "cave burrito". This consists of an old Tupperware container with a lid, a plastic bag or saran wrap, aluminum foil and toilet paper. If you have to go, break your burrito fixings out. Lay out the plastic and go on that. You will want to be careful to keep the solid waste separate of the liquid waste. When done, drop all your toilet paper in with the solid waste, wrap it in plastic, than wrap the plastic in aluminum foil, double bag that and store the burrito in your Tupperware. An extra bag for the Tupperware may be a good idea. This is not a burrito you want to have come undone accidentally.

Wise words. Not sure you'd have the time or the space for that in an aerial combat situation though. Probably best just to shit yourself and tidy up later.

More poo-related stories can be found over at Andy's place.