approach with caution

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come and have a rifle through my pottery barn

Here's a quick round-up of some recent arrivals in my Hotmail inbox. There's a lot of tedious low-level spam, which I won't bore you with, though I must say there has been a disappointing dwindling in the number of 419-type scam e-mails I get and also the amount of Arabic pornography.

I'm still getting mail from the barely-restrained potential spree killers at Bud's Gun Shop, though. Nothing as good as the bullet earrings for the wife, but I do like the way the latest assault rifle offer comes with a tasteful background of what appears to be (tastefully monochrome) blood and brain splatter, just to illustrate what you can expect to see when you decide to prove to your boss that you're mad as hell and you're not going to take it any more.

I've also had an e-mail from the apparently respectable retailer Pottery Barn; a receipt for a purchase I supposedly made on September 1st. Just to be clear, I have never bought anything from Pottery Barn, but I was interested to see what they thought I'd bought, especially as its original retail price was $121.99, though I apparently ended up paying a bargain price of $49.97. This was a branch of Pottery Barn in Edmonton, Alberta, which I apparently visited in person (i.e. rather than doing the whole thing over the internet), so these are Canadian dollars. At current rates of exchange that works out at £24.57 - not a fortune, but I'd want to know what I was spending it on. The trouble is it's almost impossible to tell from the description on the receipt (see below) which renders it as follows: CLFT CYL TBL LB BL.

Well clearly there's been a bit of radical disemvowelling and abbreviation here, so my best guess is that this is a CLEFT CYLINDER TABLE LABIA BALL, which I assume to be some sort of heavy-duty sex device which requires securing to a table prior to use.

Fortunately there's a product number on the receipt as well, and you can use that on the Pottery Barn website to retrieve the details you want. It turns out what's being described is CLIFT GLASS CYLINDER TABLE LAMP BASE, LIGHT BLUE. To which my reaction is twofold: a) how disappointing and b) bloody hell, one hundred dollars (Canadian, admittedly) for an empty bottle with a light bulb stuck in it. A two-and-a-half-feet high bottle (and presumably a reasonably large light bulb), but still.

can I push your stool in for you?

Here's a tempting offer the good people at New Scientist made me in a promotional e-mail the other day:

Eeeewww. Well, we've all overdone it on the shiitake mushrooms from time to time, but I wouldn't necessarily be offering the results to anyone else. Luckily it turns out not to be that sort of stool.

It still doesn't look all that appealing, though, to be honest. The accompanying promotional blurb gives a bit of background info:

This is certain to be the most-talked about item of furniture you ever own. New Scientist is offering one lucky reader the chance to win a beautiful stool made by artist Philip Ross from the reishi mushroom.

Here's a few links explaining what Ross is up to; it's all quite interesting in a freaky sort of way, and of more obvious practical use than the food-related art projects of Cosimo Cavallaro. And presumably if you have a bit of a food crisis you can just grate a bit off the side of your stool and rustle up a tasty risotto.

and a luger and lime for the lady

My good buds at Bud's Gun Shop have been e-mailing me again; I think their latest may just be the best one yet. As usual here it is in screen-capped and text form:

Dear Dave,

One of the most common reasons for BudsGunShop.com customer order cancellations ?....."because she found out !" 

Never fear, we have a solution.  We have partnered up with Bling It On to create a unique opportunity to buy yourself another gun AND make her very happy at the same time !  How is this possible ?....just check out the video below........

 ......and this is not your basic costume jewelry.  She will find these unique ammunition based designs from Bling It On have been featured on the most elite runways in New York and fashion magazines across the globe.  Team Buds members automatically get 20% off when using your discount code.  Also, as Tony mentions in the video above, we will soon be offering a FREE set of 9mm earrings ($30 retail value) with the purchase of select firearms.

So go ahead.....treat yourself to that new gun you have had your eye on.  Just make sure she also gets a little something from Bling It On!

So, to recap, if your spouse is in the habit of thwarting your stockpiling of massive quantities of firearms and ammunition with that typical bitchy whiny female shit like Surely We Don't Need Another Gun and The Children Must Eat and Please No I'm So Scared then here's your chance to keep the little lady quiet with some shiny trinkets, which as we all know the ladies are genetically programmed to be unable to resist, bless 'em, like magpies. And the best bit is that all the jewellery is not only made from authentic spent ammunition, but is also hand-crafted by a gargantuan-breasted orange Christian lady.

Nice to see the meathead Bud's representative in the video is actually packing heat during his filmed spot with the buxom jewellery lady, presumably just in case she tries to asphyxiate him with her enormous tits. You really can't be too careful. It does just reinforce the between-the-lines message of the e-mail which says something like: yeah, you can butter the bitch up with some bracelets, but you know you're just going to get the same old shit next time you want to fondle a Glock, or get home late at night with the smell of gunpowder on your fingers. Perhaps if you were a real man you'd just VENTILATE HER SORRY ASS RIGHT NOW. DO IT. DO IT!!!!

you may have my $25 when you pry it from my cold dead wallet

Here's the latest missive from your friends and mine at Bud's Gun Shop, the lethal hot-lead-propelling device retailer of choice for the discerning homicidal maniac. Apparently in the wake of the Sandy Hook massacre back in December of last year certain sections of the pinko liberal sandal-wearing tofu-eating closet homosexual community made the ridiculous suggestion that perhaps the best way to avoid yet another round of gun-related deaths would be to make guns more difficult to obtain, rather than by the clearly more rational step of arming absolutely everyone, including schoolteachers.

Not to worry, though, because Bud's have got our back on this one, along with the good people at the Gun Owners of America and the National Rifle Association, and by "good" here I mean "terrifyingly deranged", obviously. They won't see people's Second Amendment rights eroded, hell no.

Dear Dave, 

Are you concerned about your gun rights and the current attacks against the Second Amendment? We share your concern and are now offering a unique way for you to take a stand and donate to the NRA and the GOA. Both of these organizations are in Washington doing what they can to preserve gun rights. Convincing lawmakers to do the right thing is not cheap ! We want to help. For the next week (3/8 - 3/15), Bud will donate an additional 20% of the profits for all Silver 2012 Second Amendment Dollar’s purchased.  

The 2012 $25 Gun Dollar features the popular Ruger LCP. It is gem proof minted and is as flawless as the Second Amendment. Every 2012 Gun Dollar contains one-half Troy ounce of pure .999 fine silver. Order now to get the one of the last remaining 2012 $25 Gun Dollars and make a donation so that the Second Amendment stands firm in preserving your right to bear arms and protect life. 

Our popular 2012 One AV Ounce Copper issue is still in stock as well. Stay tuned for the 2013 Gun Dollar issue, it is in the last stages of development and should be released soon.  

Thank you,
Team Buds

This piece of finely minted boneheaded survivalist tat can be purchased here. Here's a sneak preview:

der phased plasma rifle in der 40-Watt range

It's been a good week for salutary lessons about the differences between the UK and the USA, and indeed the salutary differences between the USA and the rest of the USA. Amidst all the righteous schadenfreude in the wake of the presidential election result, though, I was reminded of some other differences by the contents of my junk e-mail folder. Here's a tempting special offer I was sent this week:

For those in a graphics-poor environment, or those who just can't be arsed to click on the image to enlarge it, here's the relevant e-mail text:

Our friends at Smoky Mountain Knife Works, "The Worlds Largest Knife Showplace", have an amazing offer for all BudsGunShop.com customers.  Simply purchase ANY new Glock pistol and receive your choice of FREE knives directly from Smoky Mountain Knife Works!  Yes, literally any new model Glock is eligible, as if buying one of the most dependable and reliable pistols ever made wasn’t incentive enough. Simply choose your FREE knife from the drop down selection menu on each new Glock item page.  Your FREE knife will automatically be added to your order and shipped directly to you while your new Glock ships to your local FFL dealer.  Click here to find out which knife is best for you: 
We are very pleased to offer you this additional value when buying your next new Glock at Budsgunshop.com.   Our advertised Glock prices include UPS Blue 2-day shipping to your local FFL dealer and now a FREE knife from Smoky Mountain Knife Works!  Go ahead....shop and compare this deal to other online dealers....we're confident you'll come back to Buds for your next new Glock!   
At your service, 
Team Buds

So, basically, Bud's have listened to their customers' feedback, and apparently a lot of customers are saying look, this supremely lethal Glock pistol is all very well, but it doesn't have the up-close interactive personal touch that I need. I mean, yes, I can pump my assailant full of hot leady death from several feet away, but I get the nagging feeling as I watch his bullet-ridden body twitching like a ragdoll as the bullets rip through his flesh that I should be participating in his painful demise in a more hands-on way. So as his precious bodily fluids leak away into my carpet, what I'd really like to be able to do is reverently lay the Glock down on an occasional table, cradle his head in my hand as he croaks out his last words, unsheath a glinting blade and slip it firmly between his ribs to usher him into the netherworld in the way that I think, in a very real sense, he would have wanted. Or, heck, I might just stick him repeatedly like a pig, gouge his eyeballs out and then piss in the sockets. Too much? OK then. So, to summarise, a free knife would be great. Yours sincerely, A Maniac.

I should stress at this point that Bud's Gun Shop does indeed appear to be a real establishment, so it's not a scam; I should also stress that I have literally no idea how I got on their mailing list. But it is a fascinating experience to look at their website and marvel at the gargantuan range of lethal weaponry available there, any one of which, as I expect they would say, is ideal for home defence. I marvel also at the sub-headings entitled "Youth Guns" and "For The Ladies". You can also buy a crossbow if, for instance, you feel like re-enacting the killing spree from We Need To Talk About Kevin.

I should also add that while I find the American fetish for guns fascinatingly weird I would defend anyone's right to own some knifeware that could potentially be lethal if used in the wrong way. Knives, after all, have uses other than killing people - I have some weapons in my kitchen that could gut you like a mackerel, but I don't expect the police to start visiting me now I've admitted to possessing them. And then there's my Dartmoor knife.

reverend evil

Here's a couple more gems from my inbox, of varying degrees of length, generosity and bewilderingness. Firstly this one:


I offer you the screenshot from my Hotmail inbox rather than just the text to illustrate the little cherry William has put on top of an otherwise rather mundane (well, apart from the 58 MILLION FREAKIN' DOLLARS) and matter-of-fact cake: he's a Reverend! No-one who holds the title Reverend could be an evil man. Surely.

It's not quite as pared-down to its bare essentials as this one, but it's pretty close. At least this one actually names a figure, rather than just saying, essentially: send money, get money, simples.

This one is a bit longer and more rambling. The opening greeting is a bit crawly bum-lick, though.

Hello dear,

I am Mrs. Sandra Collins I am a US citizen and am 68 years Old. I reside here in Denton, Texas; my residential address is as follows; 38 Wellington Oaks Cir, Denton, TX, United States. I am one of those who took part in the Compensation many years ago and I had paid over US$14,000 for the past years while in the US, trying to get my payment all to no avail.

So I decided to travel with my Son to WASHINGTON D.C with all my compensation documents, where I was directed by the (FBI) to contact Mr. Peter Okodua, who is a representative of the (FBI) and also a Human Right Activist at the COMPENSATION AWARD COMMITTEE currently in West Africa. However, he explained further in details that whosoever is contacting through emails are fake. In accordance with section 13(1)(n) of the international gambling act as adopted in 1993 and amended on 3RD July 1996 by the constitutional assembly.

Furthermore, I was re-issued a compensation sum of $600,000.00.Usd after all necessary clearance and legal documentations As directed for the claim of my Compensation payment which was released successfully.

In addition, I was fortunate to glance through the full information list of unpaid Beneficiaries in which this e-mail was addressed on that list.

In other words, you can stay in touch with Mr. Peter Okodua directly on the below details.

COMPENSATION AWARD HOUSE

Name: Mr. Peter Okodua
Email: mrpe_okodua@hotmail.com
Phone number: +234-703-767-4931

NOTE: I’ll advise you to stop all transactions whatsoever.

Thank You and Be Blessed.
Mrs. Sandra Collins

A couple of things to note: firstly that there is apparently a place called COMPENSATION AWARD HOUSE, which is pretty awesome, but, more importantly, we seem to have progressed to a sort of meta-419 scam here. The message is somewhat garbled and self-contradictory, but what I think Mrs. Sandra Collins is saying here is that she was scammed by advance-fee fraudsters, but found this great legal resource (the aforementioned COMPENSATION AWARD HOUSE, and the upstanding person of Mr. Peter Okodua in particular), who will sort everything out for you, including a generous compensation payment, for the payment of just this small and frankly insignificant fee! In advance!

Note that the sum involved is a relatively paltry 600,000 US dollars, small potatoes indeed compared to 58 million, but just remember that that one is A SCAM, and this one is TOTALLY REAL. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

the rear of the hair in the easiest and best way

We're all accustomed to clearing a bit of spam out of our webmail accounts - you know, that phishing, advance fee fraud and herbal Viagra stuff that clutters up your inbox and your junk mail folder and obscures that vital and long-awaited mail from the cantilevered genital truss suppliers.

I've never had spam in Arabic before, though, so I was slightly taken aback to get a few in the last couple of days.


Now normally you can just scan down the list and go: yup, herbal Viagra, 419, 419, fake Facebook message, phishing, herbal Viagra, etc. and then just click "empty". But how to know what the Arabic messages are telling you, or indeed selling you? It could be something really important, like directions to the Ark of the Covenant or something like that. Luckily Google Translate has an Arabic capability these days, so let's do a bit of cut & pasting and see what we get:


Well I don't remember that from Koran school. Let's try another one:


Well I don't know if doing it "Basahel ways" makes any difference, but that appears to be essentially the same thing. How about the next one?


Those crazy Sri Lankans. Here's the last one:


That doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's just the subject line; the body of the e-mail goes on at some length in similarly incoherent vein. Whether this incoherence is a property of the original e-mail or of Google's translation I'm not remotely qualified to tell you, but this one seems to be a bit more in the standard vein of trying to get you to buy something rather than obsessing about clitoral hygiene or male breast-feeding, which to be honest is something of a relief.

tell me more about this thing called "wealth acquisition without Christ"

Strewth, here's a good one:

From: big.xandy@uol.com.br
Subject: RE:GOD BLESS YOU REAL GOOD!!!
To:

Dearly Beloved in Christ,

I am Mrs Fola Howard, daughter of Late Sherrif Kindimbu from West Africa, to be precise, Nigeria. I am 68 years old,my mother is From England, why my father is a Nigerian, and I'm an half cast by birth, I was married to Late Richard from England,and currently i am a new Christian convert,suffering from long time Cancer of the heart. From all indications, my condition is serious and according to my doctor it is quite obvious that I may not survive the sickness, although as a christian, I believe God and I know that I will not die, I will leave to declare the glory of God. My late Husband Late Mr.Richard A.Howard,he and my only son was killed by his family members,because he does not agree with them, I am presently leaving alone.Our Lord Jesus Christ is my comforter.

After the death of my husband,I made up my mind to travel abroad to leave the rest of my life and continue to do the work of God as a missionary. I c alled our lawyer and I instructed him to sell all my Husband properties and shares to enable me raise some money to continue my mission, which he successfully sold the Shares and some of the properties and he was able raise the sum of USD$9,000,000.00 (Nine million dollars) The fund is in cash,for the safety of the fund until i am able to travel out, he packaged the fund and it was deposited in a Bank for future claim, on behalf of my late husband.

Now that my sickness has gone to this stage, and the doctor's analysis is that i may not live more than 3 months got me scared and I want the fund to be used for the work of God all over the world through you,and to help the poor,widow, orphanage homes and also build a worship center for the Lord.

I have prayed and I told God to direct me to an honest Christian who will help me receive this fund and utilize it for things that will glorify the name of God. After my prayers,I searched the internet, and i found your email address and contacted you. Please if you are willing to use this Fund for the work of God, i will like you to send to me your private phone and fax number, full names and address, to enable me have a clue on whom you are, and also to enable me have confidence in you, and be rest assured, so that immediate arrangement can be made on how the Fund will be claimed by you on my Late Husbands Behalf as his Next of Kin and New Beneficiary I await to here your urgent reply.

Lastly, i honestly prayed that when the fund has been transferred to you, it shall be used for the said purpose, even if i am dead before then, because i have found out that wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity, and this gave me a good reason and i made a promised to God that the fund will be used to build His temple. May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy spirit be with you. Amen.

Kindly contact me at my email address: flhoward@live.com

May God Bless you
Mrs.Fola Howard.

Well, the extreme religiosity is certainly new (though wasted on me, clearly), compared to previous efforts, but I'm a bit concerned about the casual reference to "My late Husband Late Mr.Richard A.Howard,he and my only son was killed by his family members,because he does not agree with them" - so I imagine they'll be totally happy to see 9 million dollars handed over to a complete stranger then.

stand by for a clear description of my opening

It's amusing translation manglings day here at Halibut Towers - firstly here's an e-mail I got the other day. Similar to a lot of the mystery Nigerian benefactor ones or the ones telling me I've won the Albanian lotttery, except that this one appears to be offering me a job:

From: KhvongDeloycise@hotmail.com
To: [redacted]
Subject: Dave Thomas
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 2011 12:59:39 +0000

I would like to take time now to welcome you and to give you a to-the-point rundown of the position's benefits and expectations. If you are taking a career break, are on a maternity leave, recently retired or simply looking for some part-time work, this position is for you.

Occupation: Flexible schedule 2 to 8 hours / day. We can guarantee a minimum 20 hrs/week occupation
Salary: Starting salary is 2000 GBP per month plus commission, paid every month.
Business hours: 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM, MON-FRI, 9:00 AM to 1:00 PM SAT (UK time).
Region: United Kingdom.

Please note that there are no initial fees or deposits to be made prior or after taking this position. If you are interested then today reply to this email and you will be touched by the direct employer to get more clear description about this opening.

Sincerely, Deloise Kong
// HR department Basel Ltd.
_____________________
Latest News: milk supply hit in city.

The obvious couple of observations to make are: firstly that milk crisis news is a bit non-specific - which city? Should I consider panic buying before stocks run out? Secondly, there's very little that indicates what sort of a job it is, but perhaps the last line holds a clue: "reply to this email and you will be touched by the direct employer to get more clear description about this opening". Sounds like utter filth to me.

Secondly, the Charlotte Church weeing/shagging/knickers incident is all a bit of a non-story, but translate it badly into another language and then back into English again and it all starts to seem a bit more exciting. I have literally no idea what linguistic route this article took to end up in the right old two-and-eight it's in, but it makes for interesting reading:

Drunk, Charlotte Church Making love in the Car Rear

The Welsh soprano origin, England, Charlotte Church, making news after the circulation of a video that showed he was drunk with the saggy pants down to her ankles.

The Sun on Wednesday (13/07/2011), reported that 25-year-old singer was allegedly drunk after attending a charity event at the polo game. Under conditions that are out of control, he was with her ​​boyfriend, Jonathan Powell, then make love in the back of a van.

”I do not believe what they do,” said Jim Davies, a guest on the show who happened to see the attraction of both reckless. Davies said the mother of two children and her boyfriend did not care about the people around and still make love like a teenager who was intoxicated by romance. ”He can not even stand up and almost fell, ” said Davies again.

Before you get drunk, just sing the Church Welsh national anthem on Saturday, in Glanusk Park, Powys, in a fundraising event for children’s hospitals.

Her boyfriend, Jonathan (24), caught on camera at around 22:00 local time. In fact, the local security to see the action. ”They are really crazy and love do not know the place,” said the security.

This seems not to be a one-off translation disaster - other headlines on the same site include Rihanna Replace GaGa So Queen Facebook, Emma Watson Want To Become Yourself and Elin Nordegren get kids millionaires as a replacement Tiger Woods.

everything is available (except the money)

I got this e-mail a couple of weeks ago:

Subject: Mrs Elizabeth Etters

From: alan.armitage@bt.com
Sent: 12 January 2010 01:31:38
To: ellizyetters@mail.com

I am Mrs Elizabeth Etters, a devoted Christian. I have a foundation/Estate uncompleted {valued at USD 2,142,728.00 Dollars} and need you to help me finish it because of my health, Everything is available. Please contact me for more details on my private mail: elliz_etter@live.com

thank you.

I thought: that sounds great, but doesn't she have some family she can give the money to? And $2.1 million isn't that much, really; I mean it's only about £1.4 million at current exchange rates. Frankly I don't get out of bed for less than £2 million of non-existent internet money. And who is this Alan Armitage? Maybe he's the faithful family lawyer or something. Then today I get this slightly longer missive:

Subject: PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE
From: Elizabeth Etters (info@acess.org)
Sent: 31 March 2010 06:49:43
To:

Dear Friend,
I am Mrs. Elizabeth Etters from Kuwait, married to Late Engr.W Etters, who worked with MULTINATIONAL OIL COMPANY COLE GAS EXXON AS A DRILLING RIG SUPPLIER in Kuwait for 19 years as a manger and a share holder before he died on the 22nd August 2008. We were married for twenty four years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only 4 days.

Before his death, we deposited the sum of GBP 2.1 million Pounds with a bank in London with my name and this fund is presently with the bank awaiting my disbursement as beneficiary. Recently, my Doctor told me that i would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate these funds to an organization or good person that will utilize this money in good faith. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money. I kept this deposit secret till date. All i need right now is your sincerity and details to prepare the required document to be sent to the bank making you the sole benficiary of the said funds, i.e my next of kin. this must include your full names and country address

I don't think i will need any telephone communication in this regard because of the confidentiality of this transfer. Upon your reply to my private email: {elizabethetters2009@live.co.uk}, I shall direct you on how to claim the funds.
Please get back to me as soon as possible.

Yours Truly,
Mrs Elizabeth Etters.

OK, so we've cleared up the issue of family, as her husband is dead. It would have been better if instead of being Engr. W. Etters he'd had some form of teaching qualification, and hence been B.Ed. W. Etters, but I digress. And the money seems to have magically become £2.1 million, which is nice. I don't know about "utilize this money in good faith", though - I was just going to spunk it on sports cars and cake.

So I was just about to enquire how to claim my money when I discovered the offer may not be as completely legit and above board as it appears to be. Imagine my disappointment. According to this website the sums offered range up to $60 million and above, so frankly I feel a bit insulted by the size of this one anyway.

I incur the wrath of The Man

Look what I got in the post today:

From: 04.34.0.646176655F74686F6D617340686F746D61696C2E636F6D@message.myspace.com
To: {my e-mail address}
Date: Sun, 6 Jan 2008 14:31:22 -0800
Subject: Account deleted for violation of Terms of Service

Your MySpace account has been deleted for violating our Terms of
Service.

This is usually due to one of the following:

* Nude images, sexually suggestive or violent photos
* Covering our banner ads with HTML
* Harassing other users
* You do not meet the minimum age requirement
* Spamming the classifieds, forums, bulletins, or other sections of the site
* Attempting to artificially inflate scores
* Scripting the site

Your account cannot be restored. If you choose to return to MySpace, please follow the rules.

-------------------------

At MySpace we care about your privacy. This email is never sent
unsolicited.

If you think you've received this email in error, or if you have any
questions or concerns regarding your privacy, please contact us at:

privacy@myspace.com

MySpace, Inc.
8391 Beverly Blvd. #349
Los Angeles, CA 90048
USA

©2003-2007 MySpace.com. All Rights Reserved.

What did I do? Clearly I must have transgressed one of the regulations in the list above. I knew I shouldn't have hosted that nude volleyball tournament for those nuns.

Or, alternatively.....MySpace has recently been taken over by Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, and a few stories have been doing the rounds about people suddenly having their MySpace accounts terminated for reasons that seem unclear and arbitrary, at best. Murdoch, NewsCorp and its various subsidiaries have some previous in this area, including the business with HarperCollins and Chris Patten's Hong Kong memoirs back in 1998.

Anyway, this is all a good opportunity for some ultra-paranoid apocalyptic ramblings of this nature, but the fact is I do not have, and never have had, a MySpace account. So you'd think this must be spam, but in fact it appears to be genuine. I'll try dropping the (also genuine) e-mail address at the bottom a polite WTF-type query (pointing out the "never sent unsolicited" bit specifically) and see what happens.