stand by for a clear description of my opening

It's amusing translation manglings day here at Halibut Towers - firstly here's an e-mail I got the other day. Similar to a lot of the mystery Nigerian benefactor ones or the ones telling me I've won the Albanian lotttery, except that this one appears to be offering me a job:

From: KhvongDeloycise@hotmail.com
To: [redacted]
Subject: Dave Thomas
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 2011 12:59:39 +0000

I would like to take time now to welcome you and to give you a to-the-point rundown of the position's benefits and expectations. If you are taking a career break, are on a maternity leave, recently retired or simply looking for some part-time work, this position is for you.

Occupation: Flexible schedule 2 to 8 hours / day. We can guarantee a minimum 20 hrs/week occupation
Salary: Starting salary is 2000 GBP per month plus commission, paid every month.
Business hours: 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM, MON-FRI, 9:00 AM to 1:00 PM SAT (UK time).
Region: United Kingdom.

Please note that there are no initial fees or deposits to be made prior or after taking this position. If you are interested then today reply to this email and you will be touched by the direct employer to get more clear description about this opening.

Sincerely, Deloise Kong
// HR department Basel Ltd.
_____________________
Latest News: milk supply hit in city.

The obvious couple of observations to make are: firstly that milk crisis news is a bit non-specific - which city? Should I consider panic buying before stocks run out? Secondly, there's very little that indicates what sort of a job it is, but perhaps the last line holds a clue: "reply to this email and you will be touched by the direct employer to get more clear description about this opening". Sounds like utter filth to me.

Secondly, the Charlotte Church weeing/shagging/knickers incident is all a bit of a non-story, but translate it badly into another language and then back into English again and it all starts to seem a bit more exciting. I have literally no idea what linguistic route this article took to end up in the right old two-and-eight it's in, but it makes for interesting reading:

Drunk, Charlotte Church Making love in the Car Rear

The Welsh soprano origin, England, Charlotte Church, making news after the circulation of a video that showed he was drunk with the saggy pants down to her ankles.

The Sun on Wednesday (13/07/2011), reported that 25-year-old singer was allegedly drunk after attending a charity event at the polo game. Under conditions that are out of control, he was with her ​​boyfriend, Jonathan Powell, then make love in the back of a van.

”I do not believe what they do,” said Jim Davies, a guest on the show who happened to see the attraction of both reckless. Davies said the mother of two children and her boyfriend did not care about the people around and still make love like a teenager who was intoxicated by romance. ”He can not even stand up and almost fell, ” said Davies again.

Before you get drunk, just sing the Church Welsh national anthem on Saturday, in Glanusk Park, Powys, in a fundraising event for children’s hospitals.

Her boyfriend, Jonathan (24), caught on camera at around 22:00 local time. In fact, the local security to see the action. ”They are really crazy and love do not know the place,” said the security.

This seems not to be a one-off translation disaster - other headlines on the same site include Rihanna Replace GaGa So Queen Facebook, Emma Watson Want To Become Yourself and Elin Nordegren get kids millionaires as a replacement Tiger Woods.